Ok I'm going to do it. I am going to talk about my push me pull you relationship with the idea of weaning.
I don't want to do it.
I want to have it be done and over with and onward on the far side.
But I do not want to do it, I don't want to think about it, deal with it, experience it, strategize about it, fear it, mourn it.
There are parts of it I am still truly loving.
But there are parts that I am getting more tired about, fatigued by, and will not miss.
Della is showing no signs of slowing down in terms of her interest and desire to nurse.
But here I am thinking and thinking and feeling and feeling and I am just not comfortable with any way through this that I can envision except my dreamy expectation that it would just magically happen.
I imagined this: Baby led weaning.
Della would grow up and get more and more independent (CHECK), she would become more and more interested in other things (CHECK), she would eat more foods (half CHECK), and find other ways to connect with me (yes?) and that along with that, nursing would sort of quietly diminish in importance for both of us.
I did not think I would have to *do* anything, expect respond to the natural turn of events.
And I did not want to mourn.
And, boy howdy, I still don't.
I know nothing that seems to ignite strong emotions and opinions as much as breastfeeding. The whole who/what/where/when/why of breastfeeding is about as sticky with intensity as any other topic I can think of. (pardon the dangling participle)
I am not trying to start a debate here.
I more just wanted to state my ambivalence because I know other folks out there might be feeling what I am and not quite know what to do either.
I just don't know how this will turn out. I just want it to be gentle. And I just don't want to be sad.